After decades of punching the problem after it happened, Gotham's most notorious vigilante has pivoted to early intervention. Wayne's Little Rascals opened its reinforced doors this month, offering finger-painting, snack time, and a rigorous anti-recidivism curriculum for toddlers deemed "statistically likely to grow a themed gimmick." Nap mats are Kevlar. The ball pit is a bat-shaped grappling exercise. Naturally, the Riddler has already been banned from Parents' Evening for submitting his RSVP as an anagram.
Wayne's Little Rascals: Gotham's First Preschool for Pre-Criminals
For years, Gotham's approach to crime prevention has been "wait until it happens, then drop from a gargoyle." This month, that changes.
The Curriculum
Wayne's Little Rascals operates on a simple thesis: it is easier to talk a four-year-old out of a lifelong grudge than a forty-year-old with a merchandising deal.
The day begins at 7:30am sharp, because it always begins at 7:30am sharp, and the children have learned not to ask why the founder is already there and appears not to have slept.
- Circle Time — Feelings are named, discussed, and then processed, rather than converted into a themed criminal persona.
- Sharing Hour — Toys are returned voluntarily. Nobody is dangled from anything.
- Arts & Crafts — Safety scissors only. A boy named Jonathan once asked for a scarecrow costume and was gently redirected toward a duck.
- Nap Time — Mats are Kevlar. This is described in the brochure as "an abundance of caution."
Facilities
The ball pit doubles as a grappling exercise. The reading corner has excellent sightlines to all four exits. There is a fire drill every Tuesday, and also every other day, unannounced, and the children are now very good at it.
Parents have praised the "unusually thorough" background checks, the fully funded scholarship programme, and the fact that fees are waived for any family who cannot pay — which is, in practice, all of them.
Early Results
Three toddlers have abandoned their signature laughs. One has stopped speaking exclusively in riddles. Progress is described internally as "acceptable."
The founder declined to comment, though a note was later found taped to the classroom door. It read, in careful block capitals:
THIS ONE WE GET RIGHT.
Wayne's Little Rascals is currently accepting applications for the autumn term. Places are limited, the waiting list is long, and the founder personally reviews every file at approximately 3am.
